Emancipation

I remember when I first began dating as an adult, I would workout, stress about what to wear, stress about what to say, read books on dating – all trying to get to the place of perfection to woo the heart and affection of another. When a guy would not call, I would call; I would hound him to the point of being overbearing, self-sabotaging what could have been a naturally good moment and potentially a healthy dating situation because of my “smothering” behaviors.  Many times, my pursuits were reciprocated with interest. At those times, I would lose interest, no longer wanting to engage with the person and making up excuses for my behavior, when in actuality, I was not emotionally available myself.

This fear of abandonment resides in so many people, reflected in continuous questioning of our partners, and self-blaming /critiquing until we become a harbor of hate within ourselves. We look to a relationship, or the validation of a man or woman whom we deem cute enough, personable enough, or rich enough, to emancipate us from our self-hate, when in truth, the only person who holds the key to the prison of loathing we reside in is ourselves.*excerpt from the book, The Invitation to Love

*excerpt from the book, The Invitation to Love

The Power of Now

Thought leader, Eckhart Tolle wrote extensively about the power of now in his book of the same name, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment.  I reference Tolle’s work in my own book, and I tell you, I found few others who can challenge my thinking like him.  The power of now is something I continue to trouble and the other day I had such a tangible impasse with that concept.

I was sitting in the office, working on some administrative task, and my mind just became filled with questions that began to populate my thoughts.  The more I stewed on the questions, the more I got filled with anxiety.  Questions like, what should I be doing in five years? What is the next step in my career? What is the next right step in a relationship? And others like, will I see change in “this” or “that” situation? -The same questions that can plague us all. 

I started breathing exercises, took a walk, and tried to distract myself, nothing seemed to work, until I went back to what best centers me in moments filled with question, that is to ask simply, “at this moment, what do I need to be doing?” Its such a simple question, one that is often easy to answer, and typically, we don’t want to answer it…because the answer is often not sexy, its not the big, bold, undertaking we are hoping for, typically the answer is, “check that voicemail that’s been on your phone for hours; study for that upcoming exam; call your accountant about your taxes; sort the laundry in your basket; or get up and hit the gym.”

When we ask the question, “what do I need to be doing right at this very minute” we are always given an answer, because life is lived in the now.   When we begin the practice of living in the now, we offer our declaration to be present, we demonstrate our ability to rely on faith, and we reaffirm our commitment to live in peace.

Will you find love?  Will you have kids? Will you receive that next promotion? These are all questions beyond our scope to answer.  What can be answered though, is what am I supposed to do now.  I find that when I give my power to now, rather than to an uncertain future, or a past, whose outcome has already been shown, I am often gifted with an answer to those big questions that goes beyond my scope to imagine.

When We Know Better, Lets Do Better

For those who apologize often this is for you. The other day, I was feeling all sorts of guilt, and my initial reaction was to apologize. My knack for apologizing is like no other, and often it can become a default. Its so funny, because I write about this extensively in my book. You see, I find myself at times apologizing for things I have no business apologizing for....apologizing for my success, apologizing for others experience of that success, and apologizing for areas that are true invitations for another to consider for areas of growth in their own life. Now, I am not saying don't apologize to others, or that I am perfect, on the contrary, an apology done from a place of authenticity I find is one of the greatest acts of self love and a great liberator of shame and guilt. This is for those who listen to the voice in their head that says something is wrong with them, they are not enough, there is something that needs fixing; for those who have that song on constant repeat, this is an invitation to hit pause.

Growing up, I heard every negative statement you could think of, my father commented on my weight, made fun of my effeminate disposition, my high butt, my teeth, my weight, you name it, he critiqued. What that manifested into is a man who grew up addicted to fixing himself. I got braces, worked out, got three degrees, found 5 wonderful therapist along the way, and picked up a slew of self-help books....all in the quest to quench that inner voice that says I was not enough. At the same time, making myself wrong for everything. If you were upset, I must have done something wrong; if you had a bad day at work, it must have been about me, if my success caused you pain, it must have been about me. I apologized to everyone and for everything....-it was narcism on overload. What that lead to, was continual bouts of insecurity, and enabling others to continue paths of ineffective practices in their engagement with me and sometimes in their greater engagement with life.

Often I have been told, "Darren you are grown now, let go of what people said to you growing up." I share this as a counter argument. Michelle Obama (who I speak of often) grew up with two parents who said she was smart, beautiful, and had the power and possibility to do whatever she wanted in the world. Those investments lead to her going on to Princeton and then to Harvard. Now, in her early 50s if her mother one day says, "Michelle, you are stupid and a worthless woman" her response might be something like, "wow, my mom is trippin' and must be having a bad day" You see, she is easily able to dismiss it, because the imprint that was put on her spirit as a child in the Robinson household was that she was great, and that imprint can silence the negative just that quick. Conversely, someone like me who grew up with the most unloving of things said to about them has an imprint, that well, lets just say looks different. 5,000 people can speak to my greatness, my ability to inspire, and their delight in the things I have and continue to do, but the one who does not, becomes the one I Iisten to most, the achilles heel to my emotional and spiritual growth.

Now, I am not sharing this to garner sympathy, or shame those whose care I was under as a child. Today, I share it to offer how now as an adult, I am asked to engage differently. To not allow those feelings and inner voices to dictate my behavior, but to move in the truth of who I am (even when I don't fully believe it myself). When I know better, I do better, and now I do differently. I still get the stings of guilt, of shame, and the temptation to apologize: to control the situation, mediate the tension, and absolve others the opportunity to sit in their own mess. Yes, today I move with love, love for myself, to take responsibility when needed, and to sit in the discomfort of new practices when it is not. I, at the same time, love others by excusing myself from the opportunity to be their cup in which they pour their pain, low self worth, and hate into. Spring has spring, we know better, lets do better.